Why 100% is not enough

I thought I wasn’t a perfectionist anymore!

I really thought all the inner work I’d done meant perfectionism was kicked to the curb. But perfectionism has reared its ugly head again.

When I burnt out as a social worker in 2018, I stopped working and couldn't set foot in a social work role for 12 months. I did a lot of personal work around my childhood, unhelpful negative thought patterns and limiting beliefs. I started valuing myself for my qualities and ‘being’, instead of my accomplishments and ‘doing’. I stopped trying to control the uncontrollable. I practised gratitude to focus on the beautiful things in life instead of the flawed.

Last year I started working with a transformational coach. She has helped me to let go of stressful life timelines, find my sense of empowerment as a boss-lady, and tune into my positive energy and flow. It’s been the biggest life-changer.

So perfectionism should be gone, right? Wrong! Especially when it comes to dance.

I started ballet classes at the age of 3. While they gave me discipline, the teacher's exacting and fear-based methods were like rocket fuel for the perfectionistic tendencies of my personality.

Which means I have a love-hate relationship with dance. I miss it when it's not in my life, and I resent it when it is. It brings out the best AND the worst in me. Like how at the start of this year I committed to 3 months of dance classes. But I’ve noticed that I get weird every time dance class rolls around. Up until the last minute I find excuses like, “I’m too exhausted”, “I should rest” or just “I can’t be bothered!”. Then I scramble to get ready, drive over, and end up loving the class. Every. Single. Class. So why do I drag my feet and go through the draining tug-of-war with myself? Every. Single. Time?

I’ve realised this happens when I’m not feeling on top of my game. When I might have had a long day or a hard day, and I’m not feeling 100%. Not sick, just not 100%. And I think I won’t be able to do the class with 100% energy. That I won’t remember 100% of the steps. That other people in the class will be able to tell I'm not feeling or outputting 100%. Basically, that I won’t be able to do the class perfectly. Helloo, Perfectionism!

What has helped me go to class is my decision to just try it for a bit, with little to no expectations of myself. And to not be affected by my unrealistic view of other people's expectations of me.

One helpful strategy is to give yourself a number, like 60% or 70%. Do I think I can give 70% of energy in class? Sure! Could I get 70% of the steps? Probably! Life feels so much more possible when we take away the pressure of perfection or 100%.

I wanted to share this because in the counselling work I do with kids and families, sometimes we can get caught up in what’s going wrong. There’s a focus on the meltdowns, the arguments and unwanted behaviours. But I wonder what's happening 70% of the time?

Sometimes I can’t help my happy tears when parents start noticing the positives. Like the gradual yet huge changes in their child’s sense of self, the sense of harmony at home, or a new closeness they feel to their child. Kids will never be perfect. Parents will never be perfect. Let’s take away the pressure of 100%.