How to teach your child about emotions

In a year filled with constant change and uncertainty, the easing of Melbourne’s lockdown restrictions brings a mixed bag of emotions - relief and anxiety, hope and fear, freedom and overwhelm. Some people are diving excitedly into the social scene with noisy group dinners, while others hesitantly dip their toes in with a quick walk with a friend.

And how are our kids feeling?

Just as some children struggled with remote learning and others thrived, children will be responding to the new-found freedom in different ways. Some may show their distress with fear and anxiety, sadness and withdrawal, anger and frustration, or confusion and denial. So how can we manage and teach our children about emotions?

Accept your child’s feelings

Children communicate their needs through their emotions and behaviour, rather than verbalisation and language. This comes down to brain development. The right brain, the emotional brain, develops before the left logical brain develops. Additionally, the ‘upstairs brain’ which helps us think before we act, make decisions and gain self-awareness, does not finish full development until our mid-twenties! So children are often hijacked by the ‘downstairs brain’ which causes them to act without thinking and respond to stress with their default survival responses like fight, flight and freeze. In other words, aggression, anxiety and meltdowns! Children therefore cannot manage emotions by themselves. They need support from their parents and caregivers to help make sense of their emotions and bodily sensations.

Connect right-brain to right-brain

When your child’s right-brain is flooded with emotion and they’re hitting out aggressively or crying for no apparent or logical reason, it’s time to connect right-brain to right-brain. Rather than using your words and reasoning, which are left-brain functions, create safety and connection with your non-verbal communication. This could be coming in closer, getting down to your child’s eye level, using a soothing tone of voice, relaxed facial expression, open hands and body language, and comforting with touch.

Acknowledge and name the feeling

Once you’ve connected with your child using your non-verbals, be curious about the feelings and needs behind the behaviour. Are they angry over their sibling taking their toy? Are they disappointed they can’t watch another episode of their favourite TV show? Then acknowledge and name the feeling. For instance, “You’re so angry your sister took your toy from you. You wanted it all to yourself.” Or “You’re so disappointed. You really wanted to watch more and it feels so unfair.”

When you name feelings, your child builds their emotional vocabulary and gains a sense of control over their emotions. Once your child feels safe, connected and understood, they will be less flooded by their emotions and more receptive. That’s when you can bring in the lessons and explain why things are the way they are.

Normalise feelings

Make your home a ‘feelings-friendly’ environment. To help discuss feelings in a child-friendly way, you can print out emotions charts, read books on anxiety and anger, and watch Youtube videos with mindfulness exercises for kids.

Reflect on how you manage your emotions

Have you ever noticed your child copying your language or behaviour? Maybe you tend to yell in the car at hoons cutting you off, and one day your child yells at them too. And you think, uh oh. Helping children understand their emotions is important, and so is role-modelling how you manage your own emotions. How do you react when you’re angry, frustrated or sad? What do you need to relieve stress, fill your emotional cup and feel grounded?

As we adjust to another iteration of “normal”, let’s take the time to acknowledge, express and feel all the feels. The uncomfortable feelings are normal too.