A close friend of mine has a six-year-old son. He experiences severe meltdowns at home, aggressive behaviours at school and low self-esteem. My friend asked me about play therapy, and while I waxed lyrical about the benefits of play therapy, she showed interest but never booked an appointment. Which got me thinking...

What gets in the way of parents bringing their children to play therapy? What are the emotions and thoughts behind the reluctance? And can I help to reframe those emotions and thoughts in more helpful ways for families? Let's unpack...

“If I take my child to therapy, I’ve failed as a parent.”

Shame - the master manipulator. Brené Brown, in her heartfelt book, ‘The Gifts of Imperfection’ describes shame as “...that warm feeling that washes over us, making us feel small, flawed and never good enough.” As humans, we all feel shame, whether it’s over our parenting, appearance, family or career. And perfectionistic tendencies can amplify our shame. We compare ourselves to others and feel an enormous amount of pressure to make our lives seem ‘just right’. Shame keeps us silent and isolated. 

Let’s change to: “If I take my child to therapy, I’m brave in sharing my parenting challenges.”

As a social worker and play therapist, I am floored by the courage I see everyday. Parents with the courage to share their parenting difficulties. To feel exposed and vulnerable, even when they’re scared of being judged or deemed ‘less than’. When parents share their vulnerabilities and deepest fears, they begin the process of long-lasting change. As Brene Brown says, “Shame loses power when it is spoken.” 

“I should be able to help my child myself.”

Ahhh, ‘should-ing’. That old chestnut. Language like “I should…” can put unrealistic demands and pressure on ourselves and others. Should-ing means we’ve created some arbitrary ideal to live up to. And when we can’t live up to our unrelenting standards we berate and criticise ourselves. Ooh, perfectionism - I shake my fist at thee! 

Now, which do you find easier - asking for help or giving help? In my work as a Parent Coach for parents expecting a child, parents often say they prefer to give help. There is still this insidious fear that asking for help is a sign of weakness, especially for fathers. There’s the fear of being a burden. Fear of imposing. Fear of people realising we don’t have it all together.

Let’s change to: “We all need help sometimes”. 

Asking for help can be confronting. It requires admitting something in your life is not going the way you wanted or planned. This can be a difficult pill to swallow if, like many people, you like to maintain a sense of control in the chaos that is life! Asking for help is about surrendering that control to someone you trust. Accepting someone into your team to help you get through the hard stuff. As play therapists, we are honoured to be invited into your team. And we will be your biggest cheerleaders!

“Does play therapy mean there’s something wrong with my child?”

Stigma around mental health and therapy can sometimes stop parents from seeking support for their child. With all the pathological disorders and labels out there, parents can worry that therapy will ‘open up a can of worms’. Will we, as play therapists, assess their child and label them as deficient in some way? No way!

Let’s change to: “Play therapy highlights children’s strengths”.

Play therapy is not about diagnosis or pathology. It’s not about trying to find out what’s “wrong” with your child. Play therapy is about accepting your child for who they are. Connecting with them in a way where they feel seen, heard and understood. Their struggles and efforts are acknowledged, and they learn healthier ways to cope, communicate and solve problems. Through a relationship of acceptance children discover their inner strengths.

As play therapists we work with parents, not on parents. Child-centred play therapy is about ‘being with’. So if you feel ashamed, scared or worried, we will be right there with you. 

Let’s find those blue skies!

Melissa Villegas, 

Owner of BlueSkies Counselling